It was in Clinic G, Dr. Raphael Chan, the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor told me I have cancer, Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma Cancer (NPC), Stage 3. I swear that if I form this word in words with friend, I’ll score very high point. Nonetheless, this is not a game to score high points.
The week before, during my consultation and Nasopharyngeal biopsy, a test which carries out by inserting a long, thick kind of needle into my nose down into my throat to obtain specimen from my lump to ensure it’s the tumor. I mean it’s like fucking through the nose except maybe on this specific body part, no one can find pleasure in it.
Dr Raphael Chan has already hinted there will be a high chance for me to diagnose as cancer.
I acknowledged I was terrified and accepted what this cancer may mean: death. I was somewhat okay with that or as okay as I could be. I've lived my life the way I wanted to be the past 5 years, freelancing as a graphic designer, traveling, backpacking around the world, volunteering and contributed in ways I could have, deliver myself as a son, as a brother, as a friends and a decent human being in this world. There is no regrets whatsoever. At times alone, tears do form up but suppressed when I thought of what good use can tears bring?
So for the past one week before the results, I’ve been planning or establishing my mental state of mind. I know I’m a control freak but I need to see this as realistic as possible and not letting my emotion dictate my brain. Thus I figure and sorted out a few scenarios. If I start blaming someone for my illness or keep asking why me will the tumor go away? If I’m deeply affected, depress and dwell upon it, will it shrink the tumor? It's possible to find happiness regardless what our circumstances, you just need a clear mind to figure how.
With Dharma* (Buddhist Teaching) putting to the test, I learnt to approach it positively. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Living moment by moment and not too caught up with the past, (counting regrets what I can do) and future, (anticipation that makes me worried unnecessary). Living in the present was my best option.
Apparently, this mental state of mine shows result, when I told Dr Chan, I’m taking the news regardless good or bad with a light hearted and positive view, he ask whether I’m a Buddhist? I might have made a good name for Buddhist in addition. Personally, I don’t think it’s entirely a Buddhist way of approach, but Dharma did put it across for me to understand it.
The best way to put it across is to quote a 8th century Buddhist scholar, Shanti Deva
If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?
Just like getting old is a part of a deal when you are born, Getting ill is a part of a deal when you are born, death is part of a deal when you were born too. No one can escape from it but it is how we choose to live this life and react to adversary that defines us in this world.
Thich Nhat Hanh used an example of a thorny rose before, if we want to pick up a beautiful, sweet scented and striking rose, we have to touch some thorns. The thorns come with the roses, so is life, Personally, I see the rose as an outlook of life that people always see first, rosy and enticing but the bad experiences or negativity are the thorns that comes with it. When bad things happen in your life, it’s teaching you something. It just depends on whether you are conscientious enough to learn from it or not.
Furthermore, if you can pick up the rose and offer it to someone, sharing these beautiful rose petals with others, then the pricks you suffer from will not be in vain. Therefore, after knowing I’ve got cancer, I signed up Hair for Hope, a hair shaving charity movement to raise fund for children having cancer. It is something I have always wanted to do before I got cancer. Last year was fighting against human trafficking by walking 15 days from Bangkok to Burmese Border, so this year I wanted to do something related to cancer, as a tribute to my grandmother whom died of brain cancer.
I begin to notice the lump in Bangkok while I was traveling and volunteering; I was shaving half way when I notice a lump under my jaw, on the right hand side, knowing I wouldn't want to see a doctor in Thailand and thinking it might be a swollen gland as one of my friend mentioned. I ignored it till when I was back in Singapore. My local GP recommended antibiotic, Augmentin for 5 days. Seeing the swelling of the lump didn't reduce, I went back to the GP and get a referral to Khoo Teck Phua hospital which I wasn't aware and notified that I will admit as a private patient. Therefore, making a U turn back to Woodlands polyclinic, that’s where I was diagnosed in Alexandria hospital. All these take almost a month to find out.
Although I have deduced some explicit reasons on why it happens, which I can’t reveal in this platform (ask my chum, Kylie from Melbourne) but my sister insisted my cancer has to do with me singing too much! Genes and lifestlyle can always be the main cause but as a vegetarian, non-smoker and someone whom exercise regularly, all of these makes me question further there might not have a direct or accurate cause.
The hardest part for me is how do you break the news, especially to your 65 year old mum? That’s my first challenge, also some of my friend don’t take it too well either.
Confronting their emotions with my cancer result can be hard to swallow; I am a cry baby, when someone cries I start to cry together. I’m “infectious”. My chum, Jeannie, simply put it this way, I don’t simply cry for anyone, apparently, those whom are very close to you take it really to heart.
Another chum of mine, Mary whom is also the mother of my 2 adorable lovely godsons was choked by her tears (Thank goodness I did it on the phone.) Those whom didn't react as dramatic as above were too stunned to reply.
Most friends know I'm a jovial and funny person. Some would use humorous, joker or even clown to describe my personality. This might be the first time I make so many people cry at one time.
My mum take it better than I expected but whenever she talks about her son having cancer, her eyes start to get red and teary.
Honestly, I wouldn’t know how to react either if my best mate told me he/she have cancer. I really like my sister approach, the first question she asked is what shall we do now? That to me is the logical way to response but after I saw she changed her profile pic in facebook to a picture of both of us in our younger days at the age of 5/6 years old, I then realized she is deeply upset and affected by my illness. She just chose to put up a brave front.
Not too sure what the future will holds, what I do know is Dr. Chan arranged for me to get in touch with National university hospital (NUH) where I will receive my radiotherapy and chemotherapy in the months to come...
Oh did I mention I was supposed to backpack with my mum in July?
Side notes: I would like to express my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to Dr. Chan and her assistance nurse, Seni, for expediting my CT scan the following day after my consultation and performing the nasal biopsy on my first visit.
For more information on Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma Cancer
http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer-help/type/nasopharyngeal-cancer/
The week before, during my consultation and Nasopharyngeal biopsy, a test which carries out by inserting a long, thick kind of needle into my nose down into my throat to obtain specimen from my lump to ensure it’s the tumor. I mean it’s like fucking through the nose except maybe on this specific body part, no one can find pleasure in it.
Dr Raphael Chan has already hinted there will be a high chance for me to diagnose as cancer.
I acknowledged I was terrified and accepted what this cancer may mean: death. I was somewhat okay with that or as okay as I could be. I've lived my life the way I wanted to be the past 5 years, freelancing as a graphic designer, traveling, backpacking around the world, volunteering and contributed in ways I could have, deliver myself as a son, as a brother, as a friends and a decent human being in this world. There is no regrets whatsoever. At times alone, tears do form up but suppressed when I thought of what good use can tears bring?
So for the past one week before the results, I’ve been planning or establishing my mental state of mind. I know I’m a control freak but I need to see this as realistic as possible and not letting my emotion dictate my brain. Thus I figure and sorted out a few scenarios. If I start blaming someone for my illness or keep asking why me will the tumor go away? If I’m deeply affected, depress and dwell upon it, will it shrink the tumor? It's possible to find happiness regardless what our circumstances, you just need a clear mind to figure how.
With Dharma* (Buddhist Teaching) putting to the test, I learnt to approach it positively. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Living moment by moment and not too caught up with the past, (counting regrets what I can do) and future, (anticipation that makes me worried unnecessary). Living in the present was my best option.
Apparently, this mental state of mine shows result, when I told Dr Chan, I’m taking the news regardless good or bad with a light hearted and positive view, he ask whether I’m a Buddhist? I might have made a good name for Buddhist in addition. Personally, I don’t think it’s entirely a Buddhist way of approach, but Dharma did put it across for me to understand it.
The best way to put it across is to quote a 8th century Buddhist scholar, Shanti Deva
If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?
Just like getting old is a part of a deal when you are born, Getting ill is a part of a deal when you are born, death is part of a deal when you were born too. No one can escape from it but it is how we choose to live this life and react to adversary that defines us in this world.
Thich Nhat Hanh used an example of a thorny rose before, if we want to pick up a beautiful, sweet scented and striking rose, we have to touch some thorns. The thorns come with the roses, so is life, Personally, I see the rose as an outlook of life that people always see first, rosy and enticing but the bad experiences or negativity are the thorns that comes with it. When bad things happen in your life, it’s teaching you something. It just depends on whether you are conscientious enough to learn from it or not.
Furthermore, if you can pick up the rose and offer it to someone, sharing these beautiful rose petals with others, then the pricks you suffer from will not be in vain. Therefore, after knowing I’ve got cancer, I signed up Hair for Hope, a hair shaving charity movement to raise fund for children having cancer. It is something I have always wanted to do before I got cancer. Last year was fighting against human trafficking by walking 15 days from Bangkok to Burmese Border, so this year I wanted to do something related to cancer, as a tribute to my grandmother whom died of brain cancer.
I begin to notice the lump in Bangkok while I was traveling and volunteering; I was shaving half way when I notice a lump under my jaw, on the right hand side, knowing I wouldn't want to see a doctor in Thailand and thinking it might be a swollen gland as one of my friend mentioned. I ignored it till when I was back in Singapore. My local GP recommended antibiotic, Augmentin for 5 days. Seeing the swelling of the lump didn't reduce, I went back to the GP and get a referral to Khoo Teck Phua hospital which I wasn't aware and notified that I will admit as a private patient. Therefore, making a U turn back to Woodlands polyclinic, that’s where I was diagnosed in Alexandria hospital. All these take almost a month to find out.
Although I have deduced some explicit reasons on why it happens, which I can’t reveal in this platform (ask my chum, Kylie from Melbourne) but my sister insisted my cancer has to do with me singing too much! Genes and lifestlyle can always be the main cause but as a vegetarian, non-smoker and someone whom exercise regularly, all of these makes me question further there might not have a direct or accurate cause.
The hardest part for me is how do you break the news, especially to your 65 year old mum? That’s my first challenge, also some of my friend don’t take it too well either.
Confronting their emotions with my cancer result can be hard to swallow; I am a cry baby, when someone cries I start to cry together. I’m “infectious”. My chum, Jeannie, simply put it this way, I don’t simply cry for anyone, apparently, those whom are very close to you take it really to heart.
Another chum of mine, Mary whom is also the mother of my 2 adorable lovely godsons was choked by her tears (Thank goodness I did it on the phone.) Those whom didn't react as dramatic as above were too stunned to reply.
Most friends know I'm a jovial and funny person. Some would use humorous, joker or even clown to describe my personality. This might be the first time I make so many people cry at one time.
My mum take it better than I expected but whenever she talks about her son having cancer, her eyes start to get red and teary.
Honestly, I wouldn’t know how to react either if my best mate told me he/she have cancer. I really like my sister approach, the first question she asked is what shall we do now? That to me is the logical way to response but after I saw she changed her profile pic in facebook to a picture of both of us in our younger days at the age of 5/6 years old, I then realized she is deeply upset and affected by my illness. She just chose to put up a brave front.
Not too sure what the future will holds, what I do know is Dr. Chan arranged for me to get in touch with National university hospital (NUH) where I will receive my radiotherapy and chemotherapy in the months to come...
Oh did I mention I was supposed to backpack with my mum in July?
Side notes: I would like to express my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to Dr. Chan and her assistance nurse, Seni, for expediting my CT scan the following day after my consultation and performing the nasal biopsy on my first visit.
For more information on Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma Cancer
http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer-help/type/nasopharyngeal-cancer/
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