The end is only the beginning

This might be the last entry of my blog. I never expected to talk with my tumor or write a blog entirely about me facing cancer but then again who ever anticipate of getting cancer. I've always been very enthusiastic about doing cancer related charity especially in Children dying of cancer or Cancer Cure Research (from natural food sources) and I guess the best person to work in cancer related cause is to experience Cancer himself, that makes life even more interesting, isn't it?

My dearest grandma whom take care of me when I was a baby to an infant, died of brain Cancer, that’s why I’m in such fervor  I only wish I have experience this battle with cancer earlier and able to share with her and tell her that I really can empathize what she have gone through.

However, now I’m able to relate even more to other cancer patients, what they have undergone even though my kind of cancer is nothing compared to children and elderly whom are hanging by the thread. Every time when I saw them, I say a prayer and dedicate my kind and positive thoughts and wish them recover the soonest.

I know the end is only the beginning as the recovery takes longer than having the treatment, regaining taste, smell and appetite will take months or years. This is probably one of the greatest challenges in my life I’ve faced so far but knowing I've survived this “undying” experience battling from the treatment, it will definitely be a boost of strength and support. What’s more, life will always present other challenges, but knowing I’ve survived this battle with harsh cancer treatments will makes me feel more prepared in dealing with whatever challenges in front of me.

Even though the future might be vague for now, as I will only know if I’m totally cleared from Cancer through my MRI scan in 13th December, nonetheless, I’m confident to say that Cancer will not stop me from doing the charity work I aspire to do.

I was born in 8th of November, in my zodiac sign, Scorpio, beside Scorpion as a symbolization, I'm also encompassed by 3 other animals, Falcon, Serpent and Phoenix. Hence, in my case, in the ashes of suffering and pain, a phoenix is born. I have learn so much from my own suffering, however difficult it may be to understand, yet something positive and the kind blessings I've received help me to understand it. I might not have died from Cancer but I sure am reborn. And I’m not talking about flying higher than anyone but knowing how to fly after reborn, I know better where I want to go, what I need to do, lastly who is my “entourage” of friends I can fly with.

Regardless which month you’re born in, let’s repackage our experience and fly like a phoenix especially the one who suffers the most have the greatest gain and insight to see the future better.

Cancer didn't kill me, Cancer inspires me!

Treat Suffering as Nourishment!

Suffering is inevitable, yet it is something many try hard to avoid. This avoidance has its risks, according to Tricycle contributing editor Pico Iyer in yesterday's piece in The New York Times. Iyer contends that there is great value to suffering. And that it's danger is not if this suffering will harm us, but rather if we learn nothing in its wake.

Wise men in every tradition tell us that suffering brings clarity, illumination; for the Buddha, suffering is the first rule of life, and insofar as some of it arises from our own wrongheadedness — our cherishing of self — we have the cure for it within. Thus in certain cases, suffering may be an effect, as well as a cause, of taking ourselves too seriously. I once met a Zen-trained painter in Japan, in his 90s, who told me that suffering is a privilege, it moves us toward thinking about essential things and shakes us out of shortsighted complacency; when he was a boy, he said, it was believed you should pay for suffering, it proves such a hidden blessing.

My neighbors in Japan live in a culture that is based, at some invisible level, on the Buddhist precepts that Issa knew: that suffering is reality, even if unhappiness need not be our response to it. This makes for what comes across to us as uncomplaining hard work, stoicism and a constant sense of the ways difficulty binds us together — as Britain knew during the blitz, and other cultures at moments of stress, though doubly acute in a culture based on the idea of interdependence, whereby the suffering of one is the suffering of everyone.

“I’ll do my best!” and “I’ll stick it out!” and “It can’t be helped” are the phrases you hear every hour in Japan; when a tsunami claimed thousands of lives north of Tokyo two years ago, I heard much more lamentation and panic in California than among the people I know around Kyoto. My neighbors aren’t formal philosophers, but much in the texture of the lives they’re used to — the national worship of things falling away in autumn, the blaze of cherry blossoms followed by their very quick departure, the Issa-like poems on which they’re schooled — speaks for an old culture’s training in saying goodbye to things and putting delight and beauty within a frame. Death undoes us less, sometimes, than the hope that it will never come.

Extracted from: http://www.tricycle.com/blog/value-suffering 

Day 50 - Happy Mother's Day

Dear New Born Cell,

Today is the last day of the treatment. I've completed 33 radiotherapy and 6 chemotherapy sessions. During the treatment, I've received so much kindness and loving support which I'm always forever grateful and this gratitude to my family and friends can never express through words.

In Thailand, today is Mother's day. And it couldn't get any much better as my last day of treatment coincides with mother's day! I thank my mum for cooking and delivering the food to me everyday, regardless rain or shine. A mother's love is the greatest especially coming from my mum! I would like to be reborn many lifetimes as long as I'm her son or till I gain enlightenment! 妈妈, 谢谢您的爱! Pom Rak Mae Krub! ผม-รัก-แม่-ครับ!

Till then, find your path,

Cheers,

Your Host

Day 47 & 48 - Keep on moving

Dear New Born Cell,

We're coming nearly to the end of the treatment. However, the end is always the toughest to endure. As they said, it's always darkest before the dawn. I didn't anticipate the throat to be so badly hurt. It's really hard to swallow even saliva and I refuse to take pain killer, it just numb my sensation of pain but it doesn't help that I'm not aware if anything I eat or drink will cause the throat to hurt further. I just need time to heal and maybe after my last Radiotherapy session tomorrow, the healing might be faster.

At this moment, I'm going to take refuge in mindfulness, knowing the pain caused by my 5 senses shouldn't disturb the peace I have all along inside of me. Don't let the pain disturb the mind and inflict my mind with negative emotions.

One way to take my attention from my pain is to watch a lot of online reality shows or drama serials. haha! Seriously, reading helps a lot as well especially Dharma book.

I'm going to keep on moving... There are so much I've yet to complete...

Till then, take care of yourself,

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 45 & 46 - Public Holidays

Dear Tumor,

I'm sure you're as relieved as me, as you know Thursday & Friday are public holidays in Singapore, Hari Raya Puasa and National Day. It's good break in between my last week of intensive treatment. I'm absorbing every moment to rest well and heal. Couldn't been luckier and happier to have the cancer treatment at the "right" time.

My throat are beginning to suffer enormousness amount of pain when swallowing. Nonetheless, I'm still thankful. Some patients have it in an earlier stage. I think I'm sadist as well so pain to me is easily tolerated. Beside, the body will heal by time. It's only a matter of time. When you look back, you'll realize how far you've overcome and how you have shown yourself tremendous amount of strength and courage during the toughest time.

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 44 - The closer to the end of treatment, the harder to fight...

Dear Tumor,

The closer to the end of treatment, the faster your heart wants to complete it and wishes the days will soon fly by. The past few days have been tough, not going to sugarcoat for you, as I know you might be suffering too. Most of the time I take it positively but the side effects especially, my mouth that keeps producing weird mental taste makes me very nauseous. Not to mention, the occasional smells from the neighbor's cooking is bizarre enough to let me run to the window and shut it tight.

Even smelling MacDonald last night that Mary bought for her supper makes me greasy and want to vomit, throat that are extremely dry as Sahara dessert causes pain to swallow at times. Waking up several times in the middle of the night to pee is very disturbing as well. 

Also, the idea of waking up everyday, receiving the same treatment like a military routine is upsetting at times. It feels like groundhog day!

This might sound like me complaining which I'm not, this is just me telling exactly as it is, what I'm facing for others to understand what cancer patient are going through. I can't complain as well, if not for the tender love and care from my mum, friends and my Buddhist practices. I would have suffered even worse.

Even my oncologist yesterday is surprised to see me holding up so strong "physically", saying my condition in tolerating the treatment is very good. Most patients by the 30th radiotherapy sessions will have have mouth ulcer, skin burnt, serious loss of appetite and other unimaginable conditions. 

In my heart, I know I'm the blessed one...

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

3 Lessons to Help You Find Peace When Fighting a Hard Battle

By Alex Echols

“He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” ~Proverb

August 3, 2001. I still remember it like it was yesterday. It was around six o’clock in the evening when she sat us down. Luther Vandross was singing in the background on the radio: “And it’s so amazing and amazing, I can stay forever and forever. Here in love and no, leave you never.”

Quite ironic when you think about the news I would soon receive.

I had just finished summer school and my sister had just returned from an internship on the East Coast. My mother had such a pensive, yet positive look on her face when she asked us to come into the living room.

“This is hard for me to say, so I am just going to say it: I have cancer.”  

Immediately, my sister and I  broke into tears because, up until that point, every single relative or friend who had battled cancer lost. And in my shocked state, I thought it was perhaps time to start saying goodbye because I was already feeling quite defeated.

The person who had always been the anchor in our family would soon become lighter due to weekly radiation and chemotherapy appointments. Although she physically grew weaker, her actions taught me a few lessons I will never forget.

Today, I would like to share three of them with you:

Learn to Let Go

Impermanence. Everything fades away and nothing lasts forever.

My mom used to have long, beautiful black hair with a sheen that many envied.

Unfortunately, the type of chemotherapy she was being treated with slowly killed her hair cells. As for many women, this was very hard for her to accept because it was a part of her identity, her femininity, and it’s generally what society deems to be beautiful.

But as the appointments stacked up and the strands dwindled away, she had to face a reality that was quite sobering: most of her hair was gone, and she needed to find the courage to ask my father to completely shave her head.

Then the day finally came.

As the remaining hair fell to the ground, Black Rapunzel was replaced by a cancer patient who learned to be grateful for what was instead of trying to hold on to something that no longer existed.

As Steve Maraboli wrote, “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”

My mother learned to let go and finally made the decision to move forward.

Inspire Yourself with Your Journey

“That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet” is something my mother would say. “So write it all down—the victories, the setbacks, the magical moments, the not so loving moments, and the moments of complete loneliness. Write it all down to serve as a reminder.”

Each day we awaken, we are given a pen with 86,400 seconds of ink to write with.

During her first week of treatments, my mother picked up a journal to write about her fight with the Big C and how she planned to defeat it, even though she was sometimes the one knocked down for a while. Nevertheless, she persisted.

Sure, she wrote about her hair loss, the pain at night, and the sadness she sometimes felt. But she also wrote about the joys of raising her children, the extra energy she could sometimes muster up to walk a bit further, and the faith and hope that was keeping her grounded.

She saw her journal as a way to inspire herself when she wanted to look back and see how far she had come on her journey thus far.

Love Well and Far

Cancer woke us up to the fact that nothing lasts forever, and words that go unsaid may never be spoken.

After my mother’s diagnosis, my close family got even closer as she expressed her desire for us to show more love to each other, and to be grateful not only for the fun, easy times, but also for the tougher times.

That’s what it means to love well and far: loving unconditionally even when it’s hard. Sharing your love even when it’s difficult. Being there for the people you love when they need you the most.

So I ask you these three important questions: Is there anything in your life that you feel you need to let go of? Are you recording the magic moments from your life? Are you reaching far with your love?

I wanted to share these three lessons not only to pay tribute to my mother, who has been in remission for the past twelve years, but also to serve as a beacon of hope for those who may be dealing with something similar right now. It’s hard and it hurts, but now is the time to be stronger and more loving than ever.

Now is the time to love well and far.

Reference link: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/3-lessons-to-help-you-find-peace-when-fighting-a-hard-battle/

Day 43 - Excitement!

Dear Tumor,

I'm so excited as this morning Kylie whatspp me on our plan in Australia this October. She said she is going to take a month off and do a road trip with me to Sydney. It all sounds so exciting!!!!  This might be something really fantastic to look forward in the next few months. Adore her! Funny enough, I bought the air ticket before I was diagnosed with Cancer, maybe, this holiday of recuperation is meant to be. 

We met in Sept 2011, on a super dangerous road trip from Manali to Leh, India, The average elevation of Leh-Manali highway is more than 13,000 feet and passing by highest elevation of 17,480 ft at Tanglang La mountain pass. The scenery flanked by mountain ranges on both sides featuring some stunning sand and rock natural formations is breathtaking but the altitude sickness can be difficult for most travelers. I was not affected much but most of the Koreans backpackers vomit on the way. 

That's where I met Kylie Box, as soon as she get on the van, I know we are going to be BFF. We talked quite a lot along the trip, and decided to hang around together in Leh after. I don't know what causes the chemistry between us, but I do believe some past karmic links must be involved. Ever since the trip, we met again last year in Sept for another exotic India trip. She even came to Singapore for a bit to visit me. 

Some friends even though have known for just a few days but the relationship and bonding last longer and more mature than any other old friends. Thank you for your company during the treatment even though you're far far away but I can always feel your presence.

Till then, find your BFF,

Cheers,

Your Host 

Day 42 - Last week to end the treatment

Dear Tumor,

I'm supposed to be on the flight to India today, but life is always full of surprises, isn't it? I might not be flying to India today but at least I know I'm not dying. I'm enjoying this moment and learn from it and see what more can I benefit from this experience.

This might be the best week for the treatment, as there are 2 public holidays in a row, Hari Raya Puasa & National Day. I got a small break in between, nonetheless, this Sat which usually weekend I don't have to receive treatment, is slotted for one session to cover the short break I've rested. Honestly, I'm delighted just a few more radiotherapy sessions to go. Everything will end on next Monday. Let's pump some mind power and overcome this week. Shall we?

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 40 & 41 - Toughest weekend

Dear Tumor,

How have you been so far? I can't feel your existence anymore. However, the side effects are still there. This weekend is the toughest throughout the treatment. I thought having chemotherapy the 6th time, I would have gotten used to it by now, but I guess the effects are accumulative. I feel like the whole body falls in the wrong place. Harder to put my mindfulness into practice. Nonetheless, nothing a person can't cope with. What's the worst thing that could happen? Vomiting non-stop or not able to eat much? I do feel better after my evening chanting and meditation.

Mind over matters. I told myself. 

As for my mum, sometimes, I feel like I'm hard on her. Like I have a certain expectation on her, or perhaps I'm just grumpy from the side effects. 

It's also hard for me to face her when she is around, I have to pretend I feel okay and not letting her upset by my condition. No matter what, it's difficult for her to be calm and rational when her son is having cancer. I'm sure she is confused at certain times why this happen. Even though I've explained to her, accept it and move on with it, don't let the emotions make her depress further, she is always on the pessimistic side of the coin. I just wish all this will be over very soon for her. Then, she is happier. 

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

The Right Time

I told my friends if I haven’t become vegetarian 5 years ago, I might have gotten cancer much earlier. Studies did show that diet and lifestyle do affect the growth of tumor  The only reason why it’s not proven because no one can patent green tea as cure for cancer or beet root essence can reduce the growth of tumor.

What I’m trying to say is if there is a best time to have Cancer for me, it will be now. The past 5 years of becoming a vegetarian, traveling and freelancing like a vagabond, mentally trained and practice Buddhism. I’m in the best shape of my life to face this great challenge.

If I have not met all the loving and encouraging friends from my travel and volunteer work that keep me going through this darkest hours

If I have not get in touch with Buddhism Dharma

If I have not learn meditation

If I have not save up for the past 3 years to make that grand trip from Singapore to Ireland by land to pay for the medical bills first

If I have not…

There are so many if I have not, it’s easier to count the blessing when If you have not than If I have

I truly believe Good luck is preparation meets opportunity. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. I’ve learned everything will fall in place at the right time. 

Plant the seed first, the right time is always ready whenever you are. 

Day 39 - Last Chemo

Dear Tumor,

This is the last time having my Chemotherapy. I'm sure you are relived as much as I'm. We are really approaching the end of the treatment soon. In no time, I will be talking to your new evolved cell. I should probably call you New born cell soon. 

This 2 weeks, my beloved sister has been driving me to the hospital. It's good to see her accompany me throughout my last Chemotherapy today. At least, I can boss someone around to help me do this do that without guilt haha! Honestly  it good to have her loving support and company.

Actually, I love how she make a revelation in my visit today, she puts her current situation she is facing in a new light. I would like to share what she posted on her Facebook wall: 

“Hiding a wound can cause a serious infection without healing. It has to be exposed and washed. Sure, the cleansing may cause pain at first—but, in the end, it brings healing, as well as relief.” 

I was also happy she told me, it's incredible sad to see patients undergoing suffering and whatever she faces is nothing compared to them. I feel that her Bodhicitta is growing. 

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 38 - Weight Maintained

Dear Tumor,

My dietitian is extremely please that my weight has been maintained since last week. She said it's extremely good consider I'm actually going through the toughest period of my treatment. I just have to keep on maintaining my weight.

So far I've lost about 8kg for the past 2 months. Not too bad considering, I'm doing Chemo and Radio at the same time, and some actually do chemo 3 weeks once. I guess mine is stage 3, that's why probably I'm having the "best" of both worlds :)

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host