Compassion

There was an old monk through diligent cultivation able to foresee the future, seeing his young eight year old novice only have 3 months left to live. He told the novice to take a holiday and visit his parents. 3 months later, to his astonishment, he saw the novice walking back to the temple but this time he saw a different future for the boy. He saw that the boy would now live to a ripe old age. 

To his curiosity, he asked the novice about his journey, and then the monk told him on his way back home, he came upon a flooded stream. As the boy tried to cross over the flowing stream, he noticed a colony of ants had become trapped on a big stone. Moved by compassion for these poor creatures, he uses a sturdy thick tree branches, hold it and form a bridge for the ants to cross over to the dry lands.

So that’s what had happen, the compassion of saving thousands of ants lengthen his days to live.

Initially, My interpretation of the story is to stop killing ants, at times when unmindful, we take advantage of killing this fragile easy to target living things but now as I reflected on this story again, I realised, every one of us regardless happy or sad, rich or poor, sick or healthy has the power to perform good deeds in our own way within our means, of course with sincere and right intention. 

We should not think it as neutralizing our karma that will be asking for something in return but with great empathy that we recognise every one of us are in pain and suffering in one way or another. Only when we help to lift up one another through love and compassion then we can alleviate others and ourselves out from the transient life. 

So far I’ve raised $3,665 for Hair for hope, a hair shaving movement to raise money for Children Cancer Foundation. Every moment regardless good or bad can be a breakthrough, after knowing my illness, I’m determine to create awareness and also raising money for the children fighting cancer.

Hair for Hope profile:

http://www.hairforhope.org.sg/index.php?%2Fshavee%2Fidetails%2F2309

Grief can take care of itself, but to get full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with ~ Mark Twain

EBV Blood test

Dr. Chan from Alexandria hospital got back to me on my EBV blood test, it’s positive, to further confirm I have cancer. Epstein-Barr Virus is a blood test that Predicts Outcome In Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma Cancer A biomarker test like this, when perfected, could identify patients whose treatment could be intensified after a month or so of standard therapy as well as those who might benefit from lighter treatment. patients with undetectable EBV DNA mid-course through treatment had a greatly reduced risk of developing cancer recurrence two years after treatment, compared with patients with detectable EBV DNA," said the study's senior investigator, Anthony Chan, M.D., director of the Cancer Center at the Chinese University of Hong Kong. 

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/122744.php

My first blow up

This week has been lethargic, PET CT Scan, MRI, Blood Test, Dental Checkup and appointment after appointment. One hurdle to cross after another makes me exasperated. I woke up almost 6am every day and meet the doctors and dentist till evening 6pm, the waiting time is a chore and a good book helps just to deal with this Cancer. Seriously, it feels like a full time job except you don’t get paid by how small your tumor will shrink. I keep joking with my friends whom have kids that cancer is nothing compared to the children you are raising at your household.

The hospital mixed up my appointments yesterday, after I finished my Pet CT scan, I got 5 missed call from my oncologist, that’s when I know there is another follow up appointment back to back, at 11am from my PET CT scan which doesn't make sense,  

1) I was not even informed on this particular appointment with my oncologist. 

2) Mind you, I was still fasting from last night for my PT scan and they surely didn't think of giving me a break. 

3) I finished my PET CT at 12pm and the appointment is fixed at 11am?

I pick up the phone from my oncologist department and have my first blow up with the nurse on the phone. I reprimanded why they schedule appointment back to back without buffer and also, why was I not informed on this appointment? 

Poor nurse, sucking up my negative energy but the next day, I did have a diplomatic talk with the nurse whom schedules all my appointments. She admitted the miscommunication and apologize  I figure I was in the agitated moment and forgive her as she apologise. 

MRI (Machine Relishes Intimidation)

The MRI which I refer as Machine Relishes Intimidation scares me, the brain and neck scanning machine is scarier than all the horror movies I've ever watched. First, they insert me into a coffin like space, mind you; it feels really confine and narrow. In addition, they told not to swallow during the scanning as the motion will make the picture blurry heighten my nerves even more.  

When they slowly push me into the machine, even closing my eyes couldn't help my nerves. With the high frequency noises like an alien aircraft will use to emit their enemies, I feel like I was going through an alien abduction. Hence, I tried a few different ways to distract myself from the sounds, I tried the Vipassana breathing techniques, doesn't work, I tried to send my kind thoughts to my family and friends, hoping they won’t have to undergo what I've gone through, doesn't work either, makes me feel like I’m suffering even more. 

I feel suffocated and nearly wanted to give up and cry but then I think of the little children and the elderly that has to go through this, I keep thinking how much they must have suffered, I told myself, let me suffer for them. That helps to alleviate a little but then it goes back to my fear, I just keep pressing on, Thankfully, the scanning halt half way, injecting the solvent into my blood, that’s where I take a little break before going into the narrow confine white space and face my fear again, this time round, the scanning is shorter and I am glad I survive through my fears.

After the MRI, I saw the next patient is an old fragile man, I can’t help but empathize what he has to go through. I send my kind thoughts out to him and may all sentient beings stay well and happy.

Did I also mention the scanning takes 45 minutes?

Side notes: By not means, I want to scare anyone going through MRI, I merely want to share this experience so you can prepare yourself without going through panic attack.

Who deserve to die?

A lot of friends have considered me as a good person because of the charity work I've done in the past few years. So the initial reaction they have is why must good people suffered from this kind of tragedy? I remember my chum Ker Chin, was swearing on the phone, non-stop when she knows about my illness, and she seems to be angry about why this would happen to me.

Our mind distinguishes good or bad and jumps into conclusion very fast. We perceive good people has to live longer and bad people has to be short lived, most of the time we forgot the good and the bad people are the same, we need love and compassion, we suffer from the same; breaking up, regrets, old age, sickness, abandons, loss of love ones and even death. With that in mind, I can’t help but to wonder so who deserve to die? We all have to leave this world one day regardless good or bad. It’s our current action and their consequences that we should judge.

Once, the Buddha asked his disciples to get a large magnificent elephant and six blind men. He then brought the blind to the elephant and asked them to describe what an elephant looks like.

The first blind man touched the elephant leg and reported that it “looked" like a tree trunk.

The second blind man touched the elephant’s stomach and said that the elephant was a wall.

The third blind man touched the elephant ear and said that it was a fan.

The fourth blind man touched the elephant’s tail and described the elephant as a piece of rope.

The fifth blind man felt the elephant's tusks and described it as a spear.

And the sixth blind man rubbed the elephant’s snout and got very scared because he thought it was a snake.

All of them got into a big argument about the "appearance" of an elephant.

The Buddha asked the citizens: "Each blind man had touched the elephant but each of them gives a different description of the animal. Which answer is right?"

"All of them are right," was the reply.

All of us choose to see what we want to see and we fail to see the bigger picture, we are all somehow interconnected. Wrong view creates fear and anger and instead of helping us to justify our loss for love ones, we created more negativity and mental tortures. We should see all as one and one as all. In this way, when we face and perceive what’s unfair, we are able to let go easily and transform our mind into better use.

In the end, no one deserves to die, a bad person can always turn into a good kind hearted man in future... 

Beginning Anew

"During the Vietnam War there was an American soldier who got very angry because most of the soldiers in his unit got killed in an ambush by Vietnamese guerrillas; that happened in a village in the countryside, so out of his rage he wanted to retaliate. He wanted to kill a number of people who belonged to that village. So he took out a bag of sandwiches, and he mixed explosives into the sandwiches and left them at the entrance to the village. He saw children coming out and happily taking the sandwiches, thinking that someone had left these delicious sandwiches, and they ate together, enjoying a lot. 

And just half an hour later he saw them begin to show signs of suffering. Their father and their mother and sister came, and tried to help, to give them massage and medicine, but the American soldier who had hidden himself not far from there, knew very well there was no way to save these children, and that they would die. He knew that even if they had a car to transport these children to the hospital it would be too late. Out of anger he had done things like that. If anger is strong in us, we are capable of doing anything, even the cruelest things.

When he went back to America he suffered because of that: that scene appeared to him in his dreams, and he could never forget it. Any time during the day if he found himself alone in a room with children, he could not stay, and had to run out of the room right away. He could not talk about that to anyone except to his mother, who said, 'Well, that was the war, and in a war you cannot prevent these things happening.' But that did not help him, until he came to a retreat organized by Plum Village in North America. 

During many days he was not able to tell people of his story. It was a very difficult retreat. We sat in circles of five or six people, and invited people to speak out about their suffering, but there were those who sat there unable to open their mouths. There were war veterans who were deeply wounded inside, and fear and despair were still there. Finally that American Vietnam War veteran was able to tell us the story of the explosives put into the sandwiches. It was very good for him to be able to tell it, especially in front of the Vietnamese people, his former enemies. I gave him a prescription. I had a private consultation with him, and I said:

'Now look, you killed five children, yes. And that is not a good thing to do, yes. But don’t you know that many children are dying in this very moment, everywhere, even in America, because of lack of medicine, of food? Do you know that 40,000 children die every day in the world, just because of the lack of medicine and food? And you are alive, you are solid physically. Why don’t you use your life to help the children who are dying in this moment? Why get caught in the five children who have died in the past? There are many ways…if you want, I will tell you how to save five children today. There are children who need only one table of medicine to be saved, and you can be the one who brings that tablet of medicine to him or to her. If you practice like that every day, the children who died because of the explosives will smile in you, because these five children have participated in your work of saving many children who are dying in this very moment.' 

So, the door was opened, so that the man was longer trapped in the feeling of culpability. That is theamrita, the ambrosia of compassion, of wisdom, offered by the Buddha: there is always a way out.

So that war veteran has practiced and has been able to help many other children in the world. He has gone back to Vietnam, has done the work of reconciliation, and the five children who died have begun to smile in him and to become one with him.

In the beginning it was a distressing image, but now the five children have become alive, have become the energy helping him to live with compassion, with understanding. The garbage can be transformed into flowers if we know how to do it."

Side notes: I feel incredibly honored how my friends think of me as a source of their inspiration but nonetheless, that shouldn't change our perception how we should react or how we perceive our misfortune. 

How are you?

It’s been almost a week since I was diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes, it’s hard to have a lot of friends asking how are you every day? I feel like I’m committed to give a timely report of my situation when I'm busy with doctors’ appointment, consultation, scanning and test. As much as I know all my family and friends are very concerned which I’m very deeply grateful for, I do need to take a break from the attention and the same questions that I need to answer every day so choosing to write the blog helps in a way for them to understand and updated with my condition. 

One of the things I also noticed that the friendship I’ve bonded with my friends are boundless, many offered to lend me money and asking if I can cope with the finances. My friends are not just rich but they are priceless too. I was so touched by how they see me as a trustworthy person. Most people flee when they heard their friends are sick and in need of money but all my friends have been very encouraging. Thankfully, my insurance covered 90% of my medical bill. 

One of my Buddhist volunteer friend, Betty even bought me a lot of sea salts that will come in handy when I received my chemotherapy, it is used to soak with hot water to nourishes and cleanse my skin, she even insist of supplying high fluoride toothpaste after my Radiotherapy and chemotherapy. 

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” 

~ Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey

To my cancer

Concernfusion

In between the days where friends and family are concern and heard about your health situation, there are always a lot of hearsay remedies and alternative treatment offer or instructed to you. I understand their worries and concern and how they meant it well but most of the times it confuses me, that’s why I choose what the doctor recommends and of course after analysis and considerations between financial and reality check of what’s best for me.  

There are always pros and cons, but for me what decision will lead to my objectives and in what ways and whose opinions are justifiable.

Initially, I was confused with everyone asking me for second opinion. For me, it’s not about wrong diagnosis. I have accepted the fact that I have cancer. I’m skeptical only on the treatment especially the number of radiotherapy sessions I have to undergo. I question because of 2 things

1)Dr Tham said in the beginning regardless how small or big the tumor is, every patients goes through the 33 sessions of radiotherapy and in between chemotherapy, I can’t help but to wonder the reason why I have to go through 33 sessions, is it a standard procedure the doctor practicing without blinking and analyses more?

2)I called the private hospital, Mount E, to check the difference on the price if I take up private hospital treatment. The radiographer told me the radiotherapy package is estimate to be $26,000 – $28,000, it’s inclusive of 26 – 28 sessions generally, so I can’t help but to question whether 33 sessions is too many.

At last, my radiographer friend, Melissa, works in SGH, NCC whom I met and develop a good relationship with when we volunteer as Buddhist guide in the temple together untie my knots.

She spoke to her doctor friends in NCC, she said the Dr Ivan Tham whom used to work in NCC is a very responsible doctor whom specializes in head & neck cancer treatment so that means his recommendation of 33 sessions should be appropriate.

Also, if I’ve accepted with the diagnosis as Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma Cancer (NPC) then there is no real need to seek for a second opinion.

With that in mind, also knowing at the age of 33, maybe 33 sessions does sound a good way to cure my cancer...

The Chosen One

I woke up early this morning, not able to sleep as my appointment is 9:30am, as always, I’ve this anxiety of missing the appointment. I can’t get back to sleep so might as well start my day early. My sister wanted to drive me there, so good not to be squeezing on the train in the peak hours. I think they should have a special train just for cancer patients, just by judging the number of people I saw waiting at the reception.

I approached the receptionist from the Radiotherapy Centre in NUH and perhaps I don’t look gloomy or depressing enough as a cancer patient, not yet I guess, hence when she asked if I’m the patient, I replied, yes, I’m the “chosen one”, she cracks up and start preparing the registration for my cancer treatment.

It’s not just my sister whom is there, but my good friend & Insurance Agent, Cherie, and one of my sister close friend whom is a Nutritionist were there as my entourage. Dr Ivan Tham, the doctor that overseeing my condition and treatment which also has the same name as my cousin, Ivan Eng, promise me that those with the name Ivan are usually responsible and capable, looks like he like to blow his own “trumpet” :)

However, contrary to my cousin belief, he is somehow capable, professional but stern and a little icy; maybe doctor have to take it serious when it comes to explaining cancer to patient. After his diagnosis or analysis on my CT scan and clarification on how the radiotherapy and chemo will work, he finally manage to melt by my jokes not to mention the amount of gorgeous female presence with me during the clarification might have intimidated him in the first place.

He immediately refer me to the dental clinic, that’s where trouble comes, judging from my dental X ray, apparently my teeth are having orgy, at least the right side of my mouth are, the teeth are overlapping with each other like a doggy style position. See the X ray. Three tooth on my right including the one decay tooth with my 2 teeth including a wisdom tooth on top from my left have to be removed. A total of 5 teeth have to extracted at one go. Honestly, hearing 5 teeth have to be extracted all at once scares me more than the tumors.

Dental X Ray

However, this diagnosis wasn't an easy one as 4 dentists couldn't agree in the same room. They have to refer to a senior and more experience dentist in another hospital and this takes 4 days before I get to know the outcome, a day surgery with GA will be performed next Wednesday  I opt to be warded, as mouth that bloody won’t be able to travel home with style so easily...

Side Notes:

Why dental is involved? When radiotherapy is exposed to the neck the small blood vessels of the bone get damaged. This means that there is no issue until you have to extract a tooth after a person has had radiotherapy. The bone often fails to heal after any extraction (a condition called osteoradionecrosis) and is susceptible to infection. So what the dentist has decided is that any teeth of questionable prognosis that may cause trouble in the future must go now before the radiotherapy, which is a reasonable and standard approach.

If you can't change your situation in life, then change your outlook

There is a story about 2 patients whom stay side by side in the same ward together. Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.

Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

Blogger's Note

I would like to clarify the blog is written based solely on my own observations, reflections and interpretation of Buddhism teachings on how I deal with cancer. It’s not meant to represent the *Dharma (The Law that upholds, supports or maintains the regulatory order of the universe) or scholarly examinations of the teaching of the Buddha.

Neither do I want people to think that I'm getting sympathy by revealing my personal and intimate experiences with cancer, my true intention is to share with others on how we can deal with adversary differently. There is always an option, to make it better or to make it worse.

Also, the decision I made throughout my cancer recovery is based on my understanding. Every one should take some time to explore and consider the different treatment available to you and decide for yourself.

One last thing, by writing this experience on my blog, I could save some saliva when I dry out during my radiotherapy, by not having to repeat myself over and over again to my family and friends whom I’m forever deeply grateful with their love, care and concern. May you be well and happy...

The day I found out I have cancer

It was in Clinic G, Dr. Raphael Chan, the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor told me I have cancer, Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma Cancer (NPC), Stage 3. I swear that if I form this word in words with friend, I’ll score very high point. Nonetheless, this is not a game to score high points.

The week before, during my consultation and Nasopharyngeal biopsy, a test which carries out by inserting a long, thick kind of needle into my nose down into my throat to obtain specimen from my lump to ensure it’s the tumor. I mean it’s like fucking through the nose except maybe on this specific body part, no one can find pleasure in it. 

Dr Raphael Chan has already hinted there will be a high chance for me to diagnose as cancer.

I acknowledged I was terrified and accepted what this cancer may mean: death. I was somewhat okay with that or as okay as I could be. I've lived my life the way I wanted to be the past 5 years, freelancing as a graphic designer, traveling, backpacking around the world, volunteering and contributed in ways I could have, deliver myself as a son, as a brother, as a friends and a decent human being in this world. There is no regrets whatsoever. At times alone, tears do form up but suppressed when I thought of what good use can tears bring?

So for the past one week before the results, I’ve been planning or establishing my mental state of mind. I know I’m a control freak but I need to see this as realistic as possible and not letting my emotion dictate my brain. Thus I figure and sorted out a few scenarios. If I start blaming someone for my illness or keep asking why me will the tumor go away? If I’m deeply affected, depress and dwell upon it, will it shrink the tumor? It's possible to find happiness regardless what our circumstances, you just need a clear mind to figure how. 

With Dharma* (Buddhist Teaching) putting to the test, I learnt to approach it positively. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Living moment by moment and not too caught up with the past, (counting regrets what I can do) and future, (anticipation that makes me worried unnecessary). Living in the present was my best option.

Apparently, this mental state of mine shows result, when I told Dr Chan, I’m taking the news regardless good or bad with a light hearted and positive view, he ask whether I’m a Buddhist? I might have made a good name for Buddhist in addition. Personally, I don’t think it’s entirely a Buddhist way of approach, but Dharma did put it across for me to understand it.

The best way to put it across is to quote a 8th century Buddhist scholar, Shanti Deva

If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?

Just like getting old is a part of a deal when you are born, Getting ill is a part of a deal when you are born, death is part of a deal when you were born too. No one can escape from it but it is how we choose to live this life and react to adversary that defines us in this world.

Thich Nhat Hanh used an example of a thorny rose before, if we want to pick up a beautiful, sweet scented and striking rose, we have to touch some thorns. The thorns come with the roses, so is life, Personally, I see the rose as an outlook of life that people always see first, rosy and enticing but the bad experiences or negativity are the thorns that comes with it. When bad things happen in your life, it’s teaching you something. It just depends on whether you are conscientious enough to learn from it or not.

Furthermore, if you can pick up the rose and offer it to someone, sharing these beautiful rose petals with others, then the pricks you suffer from will not be in vain. Therefore, after knowing I’ve got cancer, I signed up Hair for Hope, a hair shaving charity movement to raise fund for children having cancer. It is something I have always wanted to do before I got cancer. Last year was fighting against human trafficking by walking 15 days from Bangkok to Burmese Border, so this year I wanted to do something related to cancer, as a tribute to my grandmother whom died of brain cancer.

I begin to notice the lump in Bangkok while I was traveling and volunteering; I was shaving half way when I notice a lump under my jaw, on the right hand side, knowing I wouldn't want to see a doctor in Thailand and thinking it might be a swollen gland as one of my friend mentioned. I ignored it till when I was back in Singapore. My local GP recommended antibiotic, Augmentin for 5 days. Seeing the swelling of the lump didn't reduce, I went back to the GP and get a referral to Khoo Teck Phua hospital which I wasn't aware and notified that I will admit as a private patient. Therefore, making a U turn back to Woodlands polyclinic, that’s where I was diagnosed in Alexandria hospital. All these take almost a month to find out.

Although I have deduced some explicit reasons on why it happens, which I can’t reveal in this platform (ask my chum, Kylie from Melbourne) but my sister insisted my cancer has to do with me singing too much! Genes and lifestlyle can always be the main cause but as a vegetarian, non-smoker and someone whom  exercise regularly, all of these makes me question further there might not have a direct or accurate cause.

The hardest part for me is how do you break the news, especially to your 65 year old mum? That’s my first challenge, also some of my friend don’t take it too well either. 

Confronting their emotions with my cancer result can be hard to swallow; I am a cry baby, when someone cries I start to cry together. I’m “infectious”. My chum, Jeannie, simply put it this way, I don’t simply cry for anyone, apparently, those whom are very close to you take it really to heart. 

Another chum of mine, Mary whom is also the mother of my 2 adorable lovely godsons was choked by her tears (Thank goodness I did it on the phone.) Those whom didn't react as dramatic as above were too stunned to reply.

Most friends know I'm a jovial and funny person. Some would use humorous, joker or even clown to describe my personality. This might be the first time I make so many people cry at one time. 

My mum take it better than I expected but whenever she talks about her son having cancer, her eyes start to get red and teary. 

Honestly, I wouldn’t know how to react either if my best mate told me he/she have cancer. I really like my sister approach, the first question she asked is what shall we do now? That to me is the logical way to response but after I saw she changed her profile pic in facebook to a picture of both of us in our younger days at the age of 5/6 years old, I then realized she is deeply upset and affected by my illness. She just chose to put up a brave front.

Not too sure what the future will holds, what I do know is Dr. Chan arranged for me to get in touch with National university hospital (NUH) where I will receive my radiotherapy and chemotherapy in the months to come...

Oh did I mention I was supposed to backpack with my mum in July?

Side notes: I would like to express my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to Dr. Chan and her assistance nurse, Seni, for expediting my CT scan the following day after my consultation and performing the nasal biopsy on my first visit.

For more information on Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma Cancer
http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer-help/type/nasopharyngeal-cancer/