Day 40 & 41 - Toughest weekend

Dear Tumor,

How have you been so far? I can't feel your existence anymore. However, the side effects are still there. This weekend is the toughest throughout the treatment. I thought having chemotherapy the 6th time, I would have gotten used to it by now, but I guess the effects are accumulative. I feel like the whole body falls in the wrong place. Harder to put my mindfulness into practice. Nonetheless, nothing a person can't cope with. What's the worst thing that could happen? Vomiting non-stop or not able to eat much? I do feel better after my evening chanting and meditation.

Mind over matters. I told myself. 

As for my mum, sometimes, I feel like I'm hard on her. Like I have a certain expectation on her, or perhaps I'm just grumpy from the side effects. 

It's also hard for me to face her when she is around, I have to pretend I feel okay and not letting her upset by my condition. No matter what, it's difficult for her to be calm and rational when her son is having cancer. I'm sure she is confused at certain times why this happen. Even though I've explained to her, accept it and move on with it, don't let the emotions make her depress further, she is always on the pessimistic side of the coin. I just wish all this will be over very soon for her. Then, she is happier. 

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

The Right Time

I told my friends if I haven’t become vegetarian 5 years ago, I might have gotten cancer much earlier. Studies did show that diet and lifestyle do affect the growth of tumor  The only reason why it’s not proven because no one can patent green tea as cure for cancer or beet root essence can reduce the growth of tumor.

What I’m trying to say is if there is a best time to have Cancer for me, it will be now. The past 5 years of becoming a vegetarian, traveling and freelancing like a vagabond, mentally trained and practice Buddhism. I’m in the best shape of my life to face this great challenge.

If I have not met all the loving and encouraging friends from my travel and volunteer work that keep me going through this darkest hours

If I have not get in touch with Buddhism Dharma

If I have not learn meditation

If I have not save up for the past 3 years to make that grand trip from Singapore to Ireland by land to pay for the medical bills first

If I have not…

There are so many if I have not, it’s easier to count the blessing when If you have not than If I have

I truly believe Good luck is preparation meets opportunity. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. I’ve learned everything will fall in place at the right time. 

Plant the seed first, the right time is always ready whenever you are. 

Day 39 - Last Chemo

Dear Tumor,

This is the last time having my Chemotherapy. I'm sure you are relived as much as I'm. We are really approaching the end of the treatment soon. In no time, I will be talking to your new evolved cell. I should probably call you New born cell soon. 

This 2 weeks, my beloved sister has been driving me to the hospital. It's good to see her accompany me throughout my last Chemotherapy today. At least, I can boss someone around to help me do this do that without guilt haha! Honestly  it good to have her loving support and company.

Actually, I love how she make a revelation in my visit today, she puts her current situation she is facing in a new light. I would like to share what she posted on her Facebook wall: 

“Hiding a wound can cause a serious infection without healing. It has to be exposed and washed. Sure, the cleansing may cause pain at first—but, in the end, it brings healing, as well as relief.” 

I was also happy she told me, it's incredible sad to see patients undergoing suffering and whatever she faces is nothing compared to them. I feel that her Bodhicitta is growing. 

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 38 - Weight Maintained

Dear Tumor,

My dietitian is extremely please that my weight has been maintained since last week. She said it's extremely good consider I'm actually going through the toughest period of my treatment. I just have to keep on maintaining my weight.

So far I've lost about 8kg for the past 2 months. Not too bad considering, I'm doing Chemo and Radio at the same time, and some actually do chemo 3 weeks once. I guess mine is stage 3, that's why probably I'm having the "best" of both worlds :)

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 37 - Extreme Mindfulness

Dear Tumor,

Throat are getting drier and swallowing is slightly painful now. Nose are bleeding, nauseousness getting more often. I've anticipate it all along, this is normal for anyone undergoing NPC. I just have to be extreme mindful on my conditions next 2 weeks, as it gets intensify. Nonetheless, there is nothing a person can't handle. It's always darkest before the dawn.

If you're depressed, you're living in the past regrets
If you're anxious, you're living in the future
If you're at peace, you're living at the present

Stay mindful to be at the present...

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 36 - Machine down

Dear Tumor,

There must have been a lot of Cancer patients receiving treatment in NUH. The machine was down and my appointment has to be rescheduled in the evening. I much prefer the earlier timing, the better but this is just a small hiccup, I just wish less people are having cancer.

There are quite a bit of rashes growing around my muffin top. The doc said it could be the heat rashes. It seem to be slowly fading off so not to worry much. Weight also have been maintaining. Will try harder to swallow more as I'm very close to the end of treatment. 

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 35 - Groceries Weekend

Dear Tumor,

Last night, Betty, Li Hui and even John dropped by to deliver a bunch of groceries, milk, yogurt, milk shake anything protein related products is all stocking up overnight like there is a state of emergency. Not to mention the fruit juices, green tea and lots more from Jitesh and Maya the night before. I even receive the lemon pudding from Kylie, Australia which she thinks will be good for my nauseousness. 

Sweet Betty even bought me the Tea light candles where I needed for my chanting as light offerings. I love the Organic rice milk she bought, I think I gain 0.5kg after a glass. :) John, sadly which I didn't get a chance to see him as he is sick and worried that he will pass to me. Hope he get well soon. 

How can I even fall sick when everyone is popping their head and heart out to take care of my me? What have I done right to deserve such kindness? I can't help but wonder if saying Thank you is ever enough. What I do know is saying Thank you and paying this kindness forward will ensure this cycle of giving will not stop between you and me. Thank you!

Till then, count your blessing.

Cheers,
Your Host

Counting my blessing...

One of the things I've learned so profoundly is counting my blessing. I know it sounds easy but it's not when you woke up everyday facing the harsh radiotherapy and the weekly draining chemotherapy. Instead, I woke up everyday, dizzy with gratitude (maybe the side effects haha!) counting my blessing, gratified by the blessings I've received. 

The fluctuations of better day and worse day is just days I have to undergo, nonetheless, It's just any other day. When I find my conditions are miserable because the windows of my eyes and ears have been left open for too long, I allow all the external conditions to shape my mind, my thoughts. I look inside myself for comfort, my mind to be specific. I feel like I'm a victim of my own body (casing) and my perceptions, my body is sick but my mind is not and that's where I find my bliss. Taking refuge in the island of my mind. 

I truly believe Loss is Gain and Gain is loss. And I see each of the gain and loss as it is. It's always a grey area. Just like good days and bad days. It's interconnected.

Everything I count blessing, I'm also not thinking of my own suffering. I can't cause every time I count my blessing every night, I can’t contain myself and cried, after that you realized there is nothing much to complain, curse or swear about.

For all I know, counting blessing and be grateful is better than enduring a shitty day. 

"You cannot be grateful and bitter.

You cannot be grateful and unhappy.

You cannot be grateful and without hope.

You cannot be grateful and unloving.

So just be grateful."

Day 34 - Shave some hair for Cancer!

Dear Tumor,

I've been resting well, watching movies and the reality shows online the whole day. I love watching The Block, it's an Aussie Interior Renovation reality show, taking place in Melbourne. I'm happy this Oct I'll be in Melbourne visiting my Chum, Kylie.

I was supposed to shave my hair today but till to the mask I'm wearing for my radiotherapy. I will, however postpone my hair shaving to 14th of Aug after my treatment. It'll be my honor to be shaved by my cousin's Vincent, wife Renee at the hair studio she is working in Sembawang Sun Plaza. 

I would like to give my heartfelt Thanks to 2 warrior princess, my fellow cousins Molly Hoo & Red Heart for shaving their long luscious hair to raise fund for Cancer Children Foundation today! Their attitude and action is laudable! I'm sorry I can't do it together with you girls today till to my Cancer treatment but my spirits is running high for you girls.

Love you girls, Thank you and Life is good!

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 33 - Godson Bliss

Dear Tumor,

I'm not too sure whether you'll have children but maybe you do reproduce cells. One of the greatest pleasure of moving with my good chum, Mary is that her 2 sons are also my beloved godsons :) Everyday, I'm blasted with their innocence and curiosity. They sometimes humor me with their outstanding maturity and surprises me with how much they are learning everyday.

The best moments is I almost forgot I'm undergoing the most strenuous cancer treatment when I'm with them. They will sit and lie down quietly or harassing me on my bed when I'm designing or just surfing the net. I love the bonding we have together. I love how they see me as me. I love how I'm also given this opportunity to love them as my own sons.

I told them there are only 2 men I will love my whole life. One is Alfonso Yew, my eldest godson, which his parents and me named him, Second is Yew Hong Yi, which I suggested it to his grandfather and he likes it. Coincidentally, Hong Yi and I shared the same zodiac sign and Lunar Chinese Birthday.

This is what my 5 year old godson, Alfonso type in my computer before I go to bed!

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

P/S: Jitesh & Maya suprises me at my front door for a visit from KL. How sweet of them! Sadly, they waited a few hours outside the house as I was taking a nap and my phone was in silent mode. I love how my friends came over and talked about their life rather than me having cancer, it makes me feel like I'm living in their memories especially they just came back from France and Belgium which surprisingly the movie, One day, we watched brings them back to France again :) Thank you for all the probiotic and organic goodies. Love ya!