What have I done right to deserve this?

We usually lament about life, once something goes wrong or not according to our ways, we keep asking what have I done wrong to deserve this? Even though I believe in the concept of Karma (Law of cause and effect) but I don't think it's a simple concept to understand or pinpoint at whenever bad things happen to you.

Especially, in my "medical" case, especially learning that I've cancer and ever since my dearest friends got to know about it. Their loving support extends further, not just visiting but showering with practical, useful and resourceful gifts. It makes me feel like I was not alone in this battle. Also, in Buddhism, we mention about dedication of merits (see below for explanation). I truly believe all the prayers (regardless it's from my Christian, Sikhs, Taoist or Muslim friends) does help to alleviate my sufferings, I could have suffered worse, affected by the side effects, comparing from the stories I have heard.

Should I credit my bad karma for the accumulation of the good blessings I have received from my friends? Hence, what's good and what's bad?

So what have I done Right to deserve this? Forget labeling bad or good karma, let's just take every blessing in disguise. The best way to see it is what kind of approach or attitude am I going to deal with the adversary, learn from it, turn the bad karma around and hopefully your experience can benefit others too. Do what you can with what you have.

As for now, the only way I can repair, relive and repay my life to them is to live well, fight strong and use this vessel of my body to deliver more good to all sentient beings as much as I can... and not forgetting to keep saying Thank you and stay grateful all the time as Long as my breathe is intact.

Dedication of merit allows us to share all the blessings, all the merit and goodness that we have earned. We can send out all the benefits that would otherwise accrue to ourselves, to every living being in the world. Simply make a wish, for whatever need you perceive in the world, for whatever wholesome change you would wish to take place in the world, and send the goodness out with a single mind. The results we desire can take any form, specific or general, personal or universal. The power of a concentrated mind for goodness, amplified by the community in unison, makes the connection effective. The spirit of giving sends the gift, the prayer for well-being, throughout the world, to all creatures, as far as our minds extend.

Read more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merit_(Buddhism)

Day 13 - Fish Liberation

Dear Tumor,

I feel like whenever I'm going for Dharma related activities, like visiting a Lama or like today, Fish Liberation,  my energy will be slightly better, although my appetite and nauseousness is still affecting me but I'm still able to cope it well. My beloved cousin, Shirley together with her sister Pauline, invited me to this event, whom she has been doing it for a few years, amazed me with her devotion to Pure land teachings and her generosity.

This has been a good opportunity for me to get out of my bed and walk a bit especially, we will be going out to the Marina Bay, enjoy the sea breezes and release the fishes. She is so ever thoughtful, driving me to and forth, buying lunch and making sure I'm comfortable and accommodate me as much as possible. I'm sure our cousin relationship evolves so much with this bonding.

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

The benefit of animal liberation
http://www.khenposodargye.org/2013/03/the-benefits-of-animal-liberation-practice-dharma-diligently/

What's Pure Land?
http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/pureland.pdf

Day 12 - Eating is a chore!

Dear Tumor,

I'm losing my appetite badly, nothing my mum cooks can satisfy my palate. I feel so bad for my mum as I can't swallow the food down. I feel like she was trying so hard and I disappoint her. At her age now, she should be enjoying her life and not worried about her son getting sick. Sorry mum, I promise we will have a better life after my treatment.

I did drink a packet of milk where my dietitian gave me just to make sure I'm fed. Liquid food is good for me now. I also have been resting the whole day to recover my energy. Seow Yuin, a friend of mine when volunteering with Dharma in action, is so sweet to get me the healing essential oils, which curb my nauseousness better, she passes to her colleague, Jing Lin whom live near to my place and deliver this amazing set of aromatherapy treasures. Even the air I breathe is taken into consideration of my recovery.

Thank you Jing Lin and Seow Yuin. Bless your kind hearts and generosity!

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 11 - Holy Water Day

Dear Tumor,

I decided to name the day for my chemotherapy to be Holy Water Day, especially it's on a Friday where some religions deem it as an auspicious day :)

Nonetheless, second time having chemo is a bliss when my friend, Felicia decided to join me for this Holy treatment. She is so ever thoughtful and sweet to bring me soy pudding and spend her time with me. During the treatment, we talk about fresh air, I ask her about where she had smell the freshest air and her travel plans. She even send me home, sadly there is a long queue at the taxi stand, so we went with public transport which is definitely faster than the cab by the time we get one.

Bless her kind heart.

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 10 - Boost of supplements!

Dear Tumor,

How're you hanging? I'm getting a little tired, going for the radiotherapy everyday, Mon - Fri, is like a full time job, you woke up every morning, dragging yourself to work and still have to deal with the side effects from the radiotherapy. I've been hearing strange sounds, like radio transmission sounds which is normal, a strange side effect from radiotherapy as well. Nonetheless, this is temporary.

Cell came to visit me this evening, he is a friend I got to know when volunteering in Bright Hill Temple. I know you're confused as I also address you the tumor as cell too but he is different. He is my fellow vegetarian counterpart and he knows best about the diet I am in. He is also very sweet, he came all the way from Jurong East to bring me the supplements to my place, Soy Protein for daily intake, Noni for strengthening immune system and Chlorophyll for defending against damaging free radicals and mutagens. Honestly, Cell has been so patient with me. I miss our appointment 2 weeks where I totally forgot about it, yet he didn't give up on me and carried and delivered this 3 huge bottles of supplements for my consumption.

Gratefully appreciate his patient and loving support in my recovery! Thank you Cell, I hope the cell, the one I refer to my tumor will inspire by your loving kindness and evolve into a better cell.


Cheers,
Your Host


Read more:

Soy Protein
http://usa.makelifebetter.com/profiles/profile_15726.pdf

Hawaiian Noni
http://www.gotprevention.com/profile/Noni13117.pdf

Super Chlorophyll
http://media.unicity.net/india/pdf/IN_super_chlorophyll_prodprofile.pdf

Day 9 - Fresh Air

Dear Tumor,

How have you been so far? I hope you're not suffocated as I'm, at least not when I'm on my way to hospital everyday. Ever since I started the treatment, Doctor has advised on the low immunity system I will bear during the treatment, so I will need to wear a mask on my journey for treatment or in crowded areas.

I really miss the fresh air. I remember when I was doing my Charity walk from Bangkok to Burmese borders  to raise fund to fight against anti-human trafficking. I told Pan and Rishab, the walkers, the best thing in life to have is to wake up every morning with unlimited supply of fresh air blowing in your face. I really miss that! The nature, the fresh air that supply to your blood stream and then rejuvenate and pump the heart with every breathe. Fresh air, even if you have money, there is no way you can buy it. I long for the peace and nature.

What I will plan for now is after you have evolved into a better cells, I will bring my mum to Thailand, rent a apartment and stay for a month, smelling the fresh air on the mountains, I will also invite my friends whoever interested to stay with me as well :) This might be a good realistic plan for now!

Till then, find your own fresh air.

Cheers,
Your Host

One of the causes I'm passionate to advocate is Anti human trafficking, Please visit the website and learn more on how you can stop this cruelty unjust
http://www.freeland.org/eng//human-trafficking/act

To know more about my walk:
http://news.yahoo.com/want-to-make-a-difference--start-with-one-step.html
https://www.facebook.com/KyleFTWjourney

Day 8 - Aching but Grateful Day

Dear Tumor,

Neck has been aching, I think the lock down position during the radiotherapy was too tight or in the wrong placement. The whole neck seems to be dropping off. Where is the cheap 200 Baht massage in Thailand which I always ignore gone to? The next time if I'm in Thailand, I will make sure I have it everyday! 

Last night seems to be interesting, wonder what I drank, I have been peeing the whole night, which in a way is good (Detox) but maybe a little extreme. I have to keep waking up half asleep and aiming might be a challenge.

Daniela came to visit me in NUH after my radiotherapy, she used to be my client but now as a good friend, we catch up as and when especially now that her wedding is coming, I'm so happy for her and honored she ask me to design her wedding invitation card. Her mum died of cancer so she knows exactly what kind of situation I'm in and even better, she know what kind of appetite I'm in for. After hearing I've got cancer, she insisted to make me soups, so she made me fabulous delectable watercress soup! I drank almost 1 liter of soup! She is such a sweetheart!

Then the surprise mail came, a get well card from my HK Bro & Sis. I'm so fortunate to have met all these friends from the Dalai Lama Teaching in 2011. Ever since we met in India, there is this instant close connection. I bet we must be related in our past lives. There are a bunch of spiritual yogis lead by Will (Lau Shifu) to the DL teachings, what's so amazing are their hearts and generosity, whenever I'm working on any charity project, they will  not hesitate to lend a helping hand to my cause. I remember when I was in Hong Kong, we were having so much fun that I forgot we only know each other only for a few days. That's the beauty about friendship, it doesn't matter how long you know each other, what matters is the sincerity from the heart.

I thank them for making me feel loved, warmth and most of all a group of friends I can depend on. Bless you kind hearts!

I have a grateful day and I hope you give thanks too! Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 7 - Better Sleep

Dear Tumor,

I had a good night sleep last night, especially after the chemotherapy last Friday which nauseating me through the weekends. I wonder who have send me the positive and kind thoughts. Nonetheless, Thank you whoever you are.

I had a great breakfast this morning, I swear I could have century egg porridge with braised peanut & slices of ginger forever. The past few days, my appetite have been fluctuating up and down, I figure although it might be the altered taste and smell. There is a few things I can do to make it better. There are certain food that have nauseating taste, so I rinse my mouth, scrub my tongue after every meal and if it don't get better, smell the ginger, or get the Ricola, sugar free mint  my chum Melissa got me before the radiotherapy, Apple mint is a good flavor.

Don't get the sour plums, as my dear friends have advised against preservatives preserved food so hope you're enjoying the taste or smell down from my throat.

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 6 - Nauseating Day

Dear Tumor,

I know now how pregnant woman have to experience, I mean not the giving birth part but the nauseating part. Having to worried when you're going to throw up like a Merlion is quite "spectacular", nonetheless, I have a plastic bag with me through out, hopefully I won't be using it.

It's a little tiring today, knowing this is the fifth session of my radiotherapy. I head my mother advice of taking the shower before radiotherapy to cool down my body as you know the radiation will cause intense heat on my throat and chest. And after every session, I will apply the Aloe Vera immediately after I'm radiated.

I hope you are coping with it well.

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host

Day 5 - Better Day

Dear Tumor,

How have you been? Today I feel much better, nonetheless, I didn't realize the loss of appetite comes so quickly. My mouth has been producing all sort of taste...which is funny, cause the taste seems out of the world, like metal or chemical. Even drinking water sometime has a different taste, maybe a few drop of lemon juices in the water should help.

A sweet friend of mine, Lay Beng, came to pick me up to meet Lama Ngawang Samten la, on the visualization of healing through 100 Deties of Tushita in Tibetan Buddhist Centre. It's like a detox visualization on channeling the negativity out of the body like purification but at the same time, cultivating compassion and wisdom.

Sweet Lay Beng, even taking the trouble to drove me home within the 30 mins of teaching. Bless her compassion!

I first volunteered with TBC in 2009, It was an uncontrived incident in the Delhi airport (Long story, Read http://kylestravelogue.blogspot.sg/2009/11/151009-thursday-dharamshala.html) that leads me to volunteer with them. Ever since then, this Dharma group of brothers and sisters have been very supportive in my spiritual cultivation. Thanks to TBC, I'm fortunate to meet the 14th Dalai Lama up close and personal the past 4 years.

Nonetheless, the teachings from the Dalai Lama never fails to inspire me. Here is one of the most relevant quote from my current situation:

Man sacrifices his health in order to make money.

Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.

And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;

the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;

he lives as if he is never going to die,

and then dies having never really lived”

~ Dalai Lama

Tumor, I've learnt that you existed for a purpose, maybe you're trying to tell me something, or even better awaken something in my heart. Perhaps maybe if I have fully understand your existence, your suffering will not be in vain. 

Till then, I hope you’ll dissolve and evolve into better cell soon.

Cheers,
Your Host